En liten engelsk parlör

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish................................49
Adventurous......................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.............On medication
Feminist..............................Fat
Free spirit...........................Junkie
Friendship first....................Former slut
Fun.....................................Annoying
Gentle.................................Dull
New Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded......................Desperate
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........................Sloppy drunk
Poet....................................Depressive
Professional........................Bitch
Romantic............................Frigid
Voluptuous.........................Very Fat
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker
Widow.................................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8.
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally...
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.